What Can't Brown Do For You?

So I had a package from Amazon delivered via UPS a couple of weeks ago. Only it wasn't actually delivered because I was never home. And I couldn't go pick it up, because while my local warehouse isn't a bad walk from my apartment, it's only open Monday through Friday from 9 to 5.

Now, this is something I will never understand. Most people in this country work Monday through Friday from 9 to 5. So why on earth would you have a service that involves going to people's homes (or having people go to a place near their homes) that only operates Monday through Friday from 9 to 5?? I'm not saying they should work all day, but how about noon to 8? How friggin' tough would that be?

This is also a problem I find frequently with national companies not really understanding the geography and culture of New York City. We don't, in general drive. Nor do we, in general, work all that close to where we live. So going to the UPS place isn't a lunch-hour activity. When I lived in Inwood (the northern tip of Manhattan), my "closest" UPS warehouse was in the Bronx. I suppose on a map this looked very close indeed. But what I couldn't explain successfully to the nice lady on the 800 number who I believe was in Texas, was that there was actually a river between me and the Bronx, and the only way for me to get to this particular area would be to take a subway 8 miles in the wrong direction, then another to get to the East Side, then another back north and into a section of town I was entirely unfamiliar with. Round-trip this would take at least four hours.

Still, I suppose "most people," even here, can have things delivered at work, but since I'm a short-term temp I can't. But what if my package were big and heavy? Isn't this why we have big burly professionals to deliver things, so we don't have to schlep them home on the subway?

Anyway, after the third delivery attempt I got a postcard saying my package would be returned in a week if I didn't call an 800 number and deal with it. I dutifully called right away, and was told that if a fourth delivery attempt failed, that was it, it would be returned to the sender no matter what. I asked why the driver hadn't simply left the package with my super, and they couldn't answer that. I said I had to call them back.

A few weeks ago, I cat-sit for a friend who lives a couple blocks away. I called and asked her if she'd mind taking this delivery at her office and then bringing it home for me (it was not, in fact, big and heavy) to return the favor. She agreed, so I called UPS back and gave them the new address. This was on a Thursday. They said the package would be delivered the next day, which sounded suspicious to me, since I knew it would first have to go from the Queens warehouse to the Manhattan one.

On Friday morning I got a call from the Queens warehouse directly, telling me the package would be delivered on Monday. Great, I said, thinking it was all settled.

A week later, nothing had arrived at my friend's office, so I tracked the package online. It had been returned to the sender. I immediately called the Queens people (knowing that the 800 number people are in a different state and probably wouldn't be much help) and asked them what had happened. They had no record of a delivery address change. How is this possible, I asked, since you called me to confirm it?! They didn't know. And as far as they were concerned it wasn't their problem anymore, since they couldn't just go get the package back. I was furious.

So I emailed Amazon, who informed me that there was "a problem with [my] shipping address," and that they therefore couldn't re-ship the package, they could only issue a refund and I was welcome to re-order. Oh, and the refund wouldn't include shipping charges. I fired back that there was no problem with my shipping address, the problem was with the UPS people being morons, and that the package had already arrived at their warehouse so give me my refund now, please.

They emailed back, somewhat sheepishly (part of the problem is that their customer service emails all go to one generic customer service address, even if you're replying, so I never heard from the same person twice) to confirm that the order had arrived at their "returns center," (is it a bad sign when you need an entire center to handle people's complaints?) but it would take a few days to process my refund. Fine. And since the shipping had been free, I was only grumpy about that on principle.

I didn't work on Monday, and happened to receive another package from UPS (this one is the happy end to a good customer service story, but those are boring). When I opened the door, the driver said cheerfully, "Hey, you're home!" And I said, "Yes, well, I usually work," all happiness at the box I was collecting washed away in a sea of snark by this guy trying to be funny with me and acting surprised that I might actually leave the house during the day sometimes. I should point out that this same UPS guy has, in the past, left packages at my door, downstairs by the mailboxes, and with neighbors whom I had never met. (Falling into the last category was my DVD player, which was shipped in the manufacturer's box and clearly labeled "DVD Player.") As theoretically insecure as all those delivery methods are, every one resulted in me actually receiving my merchandise. Why was he now being a huge pain in the ass?

"Listen," said the driver in slightly broken English, "I come here usually late afternoon, so when you come home and see slip, walk over to 43rd or 42nd Street and look down the block. If you see truck, come find me, I give you package. I sometimes there 'til 8:30 or 9."

Hm. An interesting solution, but can I just point out again that this is not my job? I signed for my package and slammed the door in his face. Well, okay, I actually said "Have a good night" and closed the door gently, but in my head I was slamming it.

The sad thing is, I won't stop shopping online. You get better deals, the shipping costs are low or free, and you usually don't have to pay the exorbitant NYC sales tax.

I think the real moral of the story is that I need a steady job soon so I can have stuff delivered to work like "most people."