Wednesday, December 03, 2003

DUFF: More than just the beer on The Simpsons

Okay, it's totally weird that I'm blogging three times in one day after not doing so for a week, but MCM just told me how very disappointed in me she is because I didn't write about Average Joe. I was going to wait and do a big TV post when I was all caught up, and frankly I'm a little disappointed in myself that it was the very first thing I watched from last week when I got home, but here it is anyway...because no one likes MCM when she's angry.

I actually watched last week's and this week's episodes together, so I'm not quite sure what happened when. I thought two-and-a-half straight hours of AJ would be painful, but the fact is that this has slowly evolved into the Best Dating Show EVER. It's truly amazing to me how the producers continue to come up with twists that are actually both original and surprising, and how the men continue to make complete and utter asses of themselves apparently without the aid of unfair tricks or editing.

I hate not rooting for the Average Joes, but man do they SUCK! John, my once-favorite, now wigs me the hell out. I'm kind of proud of how apt my "Dawson" nickname has turned out to be though. This guy just needs to chill on the "I'm in love with her" stuff. Sure, I've had crushes I got all melodramatic about, but not since high school! (Okay, that's a big lie...college.) I just feel like by the time you're 26 you should recognize that if you barely know someone, you're probably not in love with them. No doubt Melana has a lot going for her and is easy to fall for, but you do not want to tell a girl you've been on one date with that every time she looks in your general direction your heart skips a beat and you feel the heat of your connection to her. Dude, that song you sang on your date? Creeped her out! And me too. And it was all downhill from there. And now you're gone. I really hope he watches the tapes and learns something, because few things are more depressing to me than pathetic losers with potential.

Even my boy Adam (not to be confused with my Boy, Adam) is pissing me off. He was all upset that Melana picked one of the new guys over him...even though a) this is a GAME, and b) he was the only one there who she hasn't gone out with. Of course she'd want to get to know all the guys, that's why she's there. I mean, okay, you want to play the game too and get as much time with her as you can, but he's acting all offended, like it was some big personal insult. When to me it seems only fair that she would give everyone the same opportunity for one-on-one time. She made it clear to him that she likes him and he'll get his chance later, and he still went home and sulked. People, you're on television! It's not like you're dating some tramp who's going out with six guys at once...well, actually, it's exactly like that, but that's by design, and you signed up for it. Shut the fuck up.

And Zach...well, we'll just come back to him in a little bit.

As for the new guys, Melana proved her questionable taste by declaring Greasy McScaryhair the best-looking of the bunch, but he backed up MCM and my first impression of him by revealing, quite calmly, his history of stalking and his insane amount of baggage. Mike reassured me that the producers are actually going for a looks vs. personality thing by being as dull as he is pretty. Also, Mike, if you're reading...if you're annoyed that people constantly tell you you look like Evan Marriott, perhaps going on a dating show isn't the best way to combat that.

This leaves us with Jason, who was my favorite of the new guys all along, though that may just be because I suspect I'd have a better chance with him than Melana. I'm apparently not alone in that suspicion, because Melana made up for all her past sins by asking him point-blank if he likes boys. Of course he said no, but what do you expect? I haven't seen much hint of a personality yet, especially when compared to Adam, but he and Melana seem to have a good connection and if she's going to pick one of the pretty boys I want it to be him. More than anything, I like him because he seems to have realistic expectations, and really understands what he's gotten himself into.

Which brings us back to Zach. Like I said, the genius of these producers knows no bounds, and this week's twist was to dress Melana in some extremely convincing makeup (think, as Adam actually did, Fat Monica on Friends) and have her pose as her own cousin to interview the boys. It was a good twist for Melana too, as in addition to the trick they played on the boys, they sent her out into the world for a few hours to see what it's like to not be super-pretty. She seemed to find it enlightening. Fat Melana and another friend of hers (also pretty) interviewed the guys, and most of them didn't make eye-contact with FM. The brilliance of this exercise, though, was the hidden camera in the room where the guys who weren't being interviewed waited. To be fair, they were all kinda being pigs about it, but Zach...well, Zach was Zach. He explained, for the education of the other guys, that all groups of pretty girls had to have a DUFF -- Designated Ugly Fat Friend. "Get in good with the DUFF, and you're in good with the girl." Because he'd been asked a question about sex, he decided FM wanted him. He asked Mike if he'd rather make out with FM or Adam. Adam said he'd rather make out with Zach than FM, which is saying quite a bit since those two despise each other. Then he asked Zach if he had to make out with FM to get Melana, would he do it? Zach said sure, "I'd just make her go like this," and here he got on a table and spread his legs, "and just [bleep] the [bleep] out of her." Oh, Zach.

Of course Melana was shown these tapes (though curiously, the parts we were shown contained no Jason), and was suitably horrified. All the guys showed some prejudice towards FM, but only Zach had been so...well, Zach about it. The horrible part is, he doesn't get it. He swore and ranted his way through his exit interview, and screamed at the producers for "showing her men talking with men, which is totally different from how men are with women!" What, so you're pissed that you can no longer hide the fact that you're a complete asshole? What a tool. "This isn't reality, this is fucking bullshit!" Yeah, keep talking, just in case there's still a woman in America who'd be willing to date you.

That wasn't even the best part though. For me, the best part was when Melana came into the elimination "ceremony" in the fat suit, and proceeded to take it off in front of the guys. And Adam realized what was happening before anyone, and started to cackle with glee. I like that he's both that smart and that malicious. Unlike resentful Zach, he could clearly see the genius of the trick and respect it. Well, and it obviously meant his nemesis was going home.

Man, I love this show. If loving Average Joe is wrong, then I don't want to be right! Just one more week, sadly.... I'll miss you!

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