MAK, I am shocked--shocked, I tell you--at your flagrant revision of history, at your shameless manipulation of data to support your own version of events.

It is true that, as you state, I ate the last bite of deep-fried Mars Bar on our first date.

What you fail to mention, conveniently, is that it was the only bite you allowed me to eat. After I introduced you to the delicacy--which you would never have even heard of if it hadn't been for me--you callously and insensitively devoured all but a tiny scrap, which you then condescended to share with me.

I should have known then that you were a selfish, unfeeling cad. I am baffled, in fact, that, having witnessed such a display of boorishness on your part, I ever allowed you to take my virginity.