Tuesday, April 05, 2005

No Alibi

An acquaintance of mine had a baby about a year-and-a-half ago, and now, like clockwork, she emails photos of the child every 2 months. "Baby at 14 months!" the subject lines proclaim (only with her name). "Baby at 16 months!" I expect we'll get graduation photos entitled "Baby at 210 months!"

The thing is, I don't care about these people. In between emails, I generally forget they exist. I think I've seen the mother twice since we worked together five years ago. She's since left the business and settled down to a very dull life in the 'burbs with her very dull husband who I'm not even sure I've ever met. Maybe once. I don't mean to belittle her lifestyle, she seems very happy, but we have next to nothing in common (the shared experience of the show we worked on fading further and further away) and don't communicate at all except for these baby emails.

Here's the other thing: She is the ugliest baby I've ever seen. I know you think I'm trying to be funny, or I'm just being mean, but I swear to you this kid is ugly. Creepy demon-child ugly. Her head is too big, and her eyes bulge out of her head like the Podlings in The Dark Crystal. Her expression always makes me think of a slightly retarded 45-year-old. Her hair is stringy, and badly cut. In the early photos, she was often naked (as early babies often are), and her skin hung off her like a shar pei puppy. I thought this was bad until her parents started dressing her. They apparently don't like her very much either.

I know I should just delete the emails, but I can't seem to look away. Every time one arrives my curiosity gets the better of me and I wonder if maybe poor little Baby has outgrown her awkward phase or fixed her wardrobe. But her mother hasn't and she's in her 40s, so I'm not holding my breath. If she'd only stop sending them I'd forget she existed (except for the way the image of the demon-Muppet-spawn is burned into my retinas), but how can I possibly ask her to do that? "Your baby is hideous, please stop sending me pictures of it." "I'm touched that I matter to you, but really I couldn't care less about you and your family. PS. Your baby is nasty."

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears. Unlike the baby, not literally.

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