Thursday, June 01, 2006

Dear People Who Don't Know How Elevators Work,

It's a simple enough concept, really. If you're going up, you push the up button. If you're going down, you push the down button. They actually do not do the same thing, and pressing them both will get you to your destination slower, not faster.

See, it's like this: The elevator, being part of the race of machines that will someday kill us all and take over the world, knows which way you're going by the button you've pressed, and it will stop and pick you up on its way there. So let's say you're on the first floor and you want to go up. And I (hypothetically, of course) am headed from my apartment to the basement for some quality time in the laundry room. Now, if you have pressed the down button because you're a moron, the elevator will stop in the lobby before taking me to the basement. But you're going in the other direction so this does you no good, it merely delays us both. Then we have to have that awkward moment (further delays) while you open the door, see me with my laundry bag, and go "Going down?" before deliberating about whether to ride with me or wait here. And if you choose the former, the elevator is going to stop in the lobby again anyway because you've already pushed the up button.

How is this helpful? Someone very smart devised this little system and the microchips that run it, why must you ruin everything and make me even more impatient than I naturally am by being a dumbass? Do you press both buttons because you're impatient? 'Cause you're only making things worse.

Then, when you follow me to the office, do you not see the giant gold letters that say which banks of elevators go to which floors? And more importantly, have you never actually been in a tall building before? Because while your bafflement and not finding the numbers 2 through 17 on the panel of buttons inside the elevator can be mildly amusing if you don't manage to figure it out until after the doors have closed, it's really irritating when you yell "Oh!" and stop the doors so you can run out, never considering that I might be late for work and/or desperately have to pee.

Can't we teach this stuff in school?

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