Sunday, February 25, 2007

Oscar Stream of Consciousness

Everyone else live-blogs the Oscars, why not me? Might help me be less bored. No promises for you though.

Does Ellen's stylist think we don't know she's a lesbian and need to be reminded?

I already want to punch Abigail Breslin.

I was bored by her on American Idol, and I'm conflicted about Dreamgirls, but Jennifer Hudson looks GOOD (sans jacket).

Shouldn't Martin Scorsese at least pretend to be interested?

"Without blacks, Jews and gays, there'd be no Oscar." Yay Ellen.

Did Nicole Kidman not like being the most beautiful woman in the world? Is that why she cut off her nose?

"This is the Oscars?" Um, THESE are the Oscars.

Jack Black and Will Ferrell together... Wow, TWO actors I'll never understand the appeal of!

I want to punch Abigail Breslin less now. But if I punch Jaden Smith and he happens to knock her over when he falls, that would be okay.

Short films rely on the little guy and... Gwyneth Paltrow?

Bank of America, the bank that shows you the future. If this were Lost or a Stephen King book, all those people will go slowly mad. Think it shows any of them dying in a bank robbery?

Yep, I still hate Ellen's pimp suit and 1973 bar mitzvah shoes.

Ooh, muting the presenters for sound editing. That joke never gets old.

I'd be less bored (and presumably less snarky) if I had seen more of these movies. And if I hadn't hated the one Best Picture nominee I did see.

I hate the set. But not as much as Ellen's outfit.

If anything had to win for Little Miss Sunshine (and beat Eddie Murphy) I'm glad it's Alan Arkin, who is one of the nicest men I've ever met. And speaking of Little Miss Sunshine, I want to punch Abigail Breslin even less now, 'cause bringing a Curious George doll to the Oscars is cute enough to melt even my cynical heart.

I need to wake up... 'cause these best song nominees put me right to sleep!

I like Cameron Diaz's dress, but it looks very awkward. How does she walk around and sit down?

Dude, it's snowing! Like a lot. When did that happen?

Is Abigail Breslin computer-generated? That explains a lot.

I like how this show is about celebrities more than awards, and people who have no prayer of ever winning an Oscar get to present just because they're famous and good-looking. What? Ben Affleck HAS won an Oscar? I will never not think that's weird.

I have to love a montage that has this many clips from Bullets Over Broadway, Moulin Rouge and Sunset Boulevard.

I do not have to love a montage that goes on for this long.

Ooh, an Alcoholics Anonymous joke! That'll help me like Tom Hanks more. (Speaking of which, time for more wine.)

I love that they made Helen Mirren say the full title of Borat.

Cat has curled up on the couch next to Boy, which is impossibly cute and very distracting.

The iPhone commercial must have cost a fortune for the rights to all those clips.

Nice dress, Emily Blunt! Anne Hathaway not so much.

Yay Meryl Streep! (In spite of your jewelry.)

Where do you think they found four Helen Mirren lookalikes? Is there an agency for that?

Okay, Oscar-winning costume designers should dress better. Oh, she's French. Nevermind. I'm really surprised Dreamgirls didn't win that.

Yay, Ellen changed! MUCH better!

Is Pilobolus cheating when they use props?

Ernie Sabella, a monkey and an elephant. The hell?

Sorry, I dozed off a bit during that foreign film montage.

The Snakes on a Plane joke made all the Pilobolus we've had to endure worthwhile. And nice George Clooney / Lesbian joke, Ellen!

I remain conflicted about Dreamgirls, but considering I want to punch Abigail Breslin and I haven't seen any of the other nominees' movies, I guess I was rooting for Jennifer Hudson. And her genuine surprise was VERY endearing.

The Babel clip actually made me want to see it. People keep comparing it to Crash, and I wanted to punch Crash even more than Jaden Smith.

Is Jerry Seinfeld auditioning to host next year?

Hee, "Tipper."

I'm all for Ennio Morricone (or however you spell it) winning an award, but this is SO BORING.

I don't know why I feel compelled to watch the Oscars, really. I watch the Tonys because it's my industry, I've watched the Emmys for the last few years because I like Ellen, but I'm not really into award shows (clearly), and it's so rare that I've seen more than a couple of the nominated - OH MY GOD CELINE DION! WHY?? WHY?? WHY??

Even Morricone looks bored.

Is Celine Dion about to be arrested? What's with this lighting?

They didn't get a translator? Seriously, no one knew he didn't speak English?

The GM commercial with the robot makes me sad. Great puppet work, GM ad people!

Too bored to even blog.

Ugh, Little Miss Sunshine. Look, I'm quirky!! Bleah.

Dude, you just won an Oscar for writing and you said "funnest???????"

I actually feel kinda bad for Beyonce, having to share her one real moment (and song she co-wrote) with Hudson. Oh, okay, she's diva-ing out now.

Melissa Etheridge got a PowerPoint -- sorry, Keynote -- presentation and Dreamgirls gets a gospel choir. Favoritism, anyone?

Lesson to adaptors of Broadway musicals: If you write THREE new songs you will cancel yourself out and lose to a hot lesbian.

Is it wrong that I just went "Yay, Death Montage!"

Oh, Ellen, NO! One good outfit out of three? That's unfortunate.

I wish Helen Mirren looked more surprised. And I don't like her dress. But I'm glad she won, even though I was sort of rooting for Meryl Streep. Not like she needs another one, but I really liked Prada.

See, Forrest Whittaker, surprised and touched. Take a note, Helen Mirren. You're a great actress, you can at least fake it!

George Lucas looks like a bullfrog. Funny bit though!

Diane Keaton looks GREAT. Can you tell I've lost steam?

Ok, it's over and I'm sleepy. Yep, that's my punchline. Blame the Oscars for removing my will to live, let alone be funny.