As I write this, the American Idol finale is starting (I can't bear to watch all 2 hours so I'm DVR-delaying), so by the time you read it the whole awful thing will probably be all over. But I just want to say now to the pop culture gods, please please please don't let David Archuletta win.
I've haven't felt this strongly about the outcome of American Idol since... ever. Last night I voted - multiple times - for the first time since season one. Given my usual affection for the skinny, baby-faced, gay or gay-acting Idolers (those season one votes were for Jim Verarros - don't judge me!), you'd think i'd be an Archuletta fan. But Jim was an underdog and the standards were lower in those early days. And also, I HATE the way David sings.
I hate the way his voice seems to come from the back of his throat as if he's doing a bad Kermit the Frog impression. I hate the way he can't sing a song straight. What was all that Mariah Carey shit he did last night during "Imagine?" I hate his complete and total lack of stage presence. I hate the way his performances put me to sleep with the stunning blandness. I hate the way the judges inexplicably fawn all over him. Maybe there's something they see live that doesn't make it through the cameras?
Look, I'm sure he's a nice kid. And he's cute in a slightly creepy neutered jailbait way. He has a decent range and usually remembers his lyrics. I can't imagine what all this attention from the likes of Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul and 10-year-old girls must do to a shy 17-year-old who probably got the crap beat out of him on a daily basis in school until a few months ago. So let him come back in 5 years when his voice (and the rest of him) has matured a little. But please, if you care about truth, justice and pop music (and David Cook, a contestant who's actually very talented), don't let the Muppet win.
And if it's already happened, consider this my angry rant, and hope that we've all forgotten all about it by next week.