Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Sort Of Live-Blogging 90210: I Have Questions

The original Beverly Hills 90210 is weirdly important to me. It wasn't just the beginning of my ever-more-inappropriate-as-I-get-older obsession with teen soaps. I'm the same age as the characters (after they did a year twice), and during my senior year every major high school event in my real life synced up with the show. The prom episode aired the week of my prom; Donna Martin graduated the week of my graduation. It's not like 90210 had any relation to reality, but in my memory we all watched it. Teachers watched it. We were strangely invested. So while I only watched sporadically after that season (and what I did see pretty much sucked), I will always have a deep and bizarre affection for the show.

So I was both nervous and excited for the new version. The genre has been done so much better since 90210 invented it, I couldn't imagine how a remake could be anything other than either stale or a Gossip Girl rip-off. And I was sort of right, but I got totally sucked in and strangely enjoyed it anyway. I also had lots of questions, so I found myself live-blogging it. Unfortunately, real life kept me from watching the 2-hour premiere in one shot, so "live" is a relative term. But here it is!

I love the reference, but how can Andrea Zuckerman's daughter possibly be in high school? I didn't watch much of the college years, but I figure the earliest that child could have been born was 1995, right? Maybe she skipped a grade? Just weird. And why would a teacher say "How old is that girl, 30?" Poor Gabrielle Carteras.

I know they're trying to shock us, but who gets a blowjob in their car in the parking lot in FRONT of the school at the beginning of the day? There are people EVERYWHERE. Even Chuck Bass wouldn't go there. Well, unless he wanted to get caught.

Why does a public school have a board? Like I don't think it's the school board, it sounds like a board of directors.

Theme song! FINALLY! Oh, this kind of blows.

How did I not know Rob Thomas is behind this? No wonder it doesn't completely suck. Yet. Let's hope a future plot involves a sassy girl detective.

Okay, I'm relieved to see that blowjob boy is in fact kind of a moron. At least it's a consistent character trait.

Oh, duh, "Silver." David and Kelly's half-each-sister. Aw.

Has Joe E. Tata done ANYTHING in the last 10 years? For that matter, has Nat? At least with Kelly (and from what I've read, Brenda) the actors have done some stuff and they've also made an effort to write some mostly believable growing up and moving on with their lives into the characters. Nat, apparently, is completely unchanged. I suppose that should be a comfort but instead it's just kind of sad. He's like the Mr. Belding of Beverly Hills.

Oh I'm so glad the "cool" teacher who's also the lacrosse coach (presumably he's the only teacher we'll ever see) just made a homophobic comment during practice. That's classy, guys.

"Why don't I drive you home and we can swap stories about his penis?" Heh.

Um, yeah, there is no chorus in Spring Awakening. There's so much disbelief to suspend here, but this is what I'm choosing to be bothered by. Also, what the fuck are they doing with their arms?

Does anyone thing naming the lead mean girl Naomi and casting an Elizabeth Berkley look-alike is a reference to Showgirls? I hope Naomi stays mean and doesn't go the way of Kelly in the original first season. I don't have high hopes.

Hey, Not-Brenda's parents are ungrounding her. I wonder if she's already snuck out to go to the party. Unlike the Not-Walshes, I've watched TV before.

So we've got a clear Not-Brenda, Not-Kelly, Black-Brandon and Silver-Sister. I guess Ethan is the Not-Steve. Where are the Donna and Dylan equivalents?

I didn't watch the original show at the end - am I supposed to know who Kelly's baby-daddy is?

Why is there not a single homo on this show? It's Los Angeles in 2008, people.

I like how the outside of West Bev looks exactly like it did 15 years ago but they've apparently completely gutted and renovated the inside.

Hour two is slightly trashier than hour one, and therefore better.

Brenda! As weirdly forced and tacky as these original cast cameos are, I hope they bring back everyone eventually. And give them all awkwardly high-school-aged relatives.

Do people still say dope?

Next week: Kelly's mom! Dope!